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| Adventures
in Poetry |
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| The
Marginal Lifestyle |
| by
Sticky Al |
Assassination: two asses in one word
I'm sneaking up on a subject here which just
kind of spoke to me from a bush, passed on
by a little bird. O.K., I made it up, but
still, you have to admit that whatever it
is is damned interesting. It's about the political
assassination business. Folks who go in for
conspiracy theories usually get their information
through their implants, or straight from the
mothership, but not me! I promise you, dear
reader, I will only pass on firsthand delusions,
unencumbered by mere hallucination and gibberish.
For those, call my 900 number.
But what I'm trying to foist off on the sanitary
public is a conspiracy theory that doesn't
fit into movies or newspapers. I'm talking
about dull, boring assassinations, the stuff
of which no movie is ever made.
Let's see just how dull and boring this assassination
theory is, using our dull-o-meter. The dull-o-meter
is a small handy device that pops up when
something's interesting. If it isn't interesting,
nothing pops up and the dull-o-meter immediately
wants to go surf for porn. So wave your dull-o-meter
at this idea and lets see if we can't all
get real uncomfortable together.
Seems like everybody knows where they were
when J.F.K. died. (I'd been hustling pops
for the carpenters working near my home, and
must have lost 65 cents that day. I've hated
J.F.K. ever since.) Now, whenever someone
talks about assassinations, it's all grassy
knolls, textbook warehouses, bummy barkeeps,
etc. etc. The pace of assassinations hasn't
slacked since J.F.K., they've just become
more subtle. Everyone is looking for the grassy
knoll and a coterie of gunmen. Meanwhile,
assassinations continue apace!
For instance, the assassination of Jimmy Carter!
Slip into a diaper more comfortable, friend,
because Jimmy Carter was assassinated by the
U.S. Military! You think maybe ol' Sticky
been smokin that corn hair again, but I'm
here to tell you that the U.S. Military assassinated
Jimmy Carter just as surely as Cain killed
Abel. It's hard to rave over the gales of
laughter, but you must have noticed I ain't
exactly into comedy.
When this dastardly deed got done, who done
it, and a few thousand ideas about why they
done it should be available in my new book,
but I ain't got a book, so I'm just going
to blurt it out here and then make even wilder
accusations before I break down completely
and beg you to believe I just made it up.
The assassination of Jimmy Carter took place
in a lonely spot in the Iranian desert in
1980! That's right! Jimmy Carter was no where
near Iran in 1980! Right again! Eight American
soldiers died in the Iranian desert during
a hostage rescue attempt, and you are absolutely
correct in assuming that not one of those
soldiers was named Jimmy Carter either. In
those days at that time, Jimmy Carter was
soft on Vietnam draft dodgers and military
spending. So, bullet to the head.
Now I'd like to grab our hallucinatory spy
camera and swing wildly like a photographer
with Parkinson's over to Seattle. Yes! And
point our spy cam at the assassination of
Chief Stamper! Who actually took the bullet
for Mayor Schell. You see, dear reader, there
is no limit to which the paranoid mind cannot
flail to understand.
Now, Seattle has good cops. They at least
acknowledge your existence. Try the cops in
Portland, or anywhere in California and you
find bitter, alienated people with the authority
to reinforce their own bad attitude. The point
I'm trying to make, without becoming an apologist
for the Seattle Police Department, is that
we have a fine force, one of the finest in
the United States, even if they did fake a
bad landing during WTO. Anybody who believes
for a minute that the police didn't have a
fair grasp of the situation is doomed to discover
that familiarity breeds contempt. Your attitude
will buy you time, if you know what I mean.
Anyway, I'm not trying to imply that we live
in a military dictatorship or a police state
or anything. Not me, I may be paranoid, but
I know where the line is drawn. I won't cross
it. Look what happened to the Chief.
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