It’s the U.S. Government’s Official Web Portal, and all you need is that address, a connection, a clicker, and a click-displaying device (computer) and you have the entire mad, mad, world of government at the fingertips of your choice. Just now I was in the site index, and I had an urge to go to “F”. From “F”, I went to Family Issues. I wondered what my government knew about Family Issues.

WELL, my government knows a LOT about Family Issues! It knows how to adopt children, how bad college drinking is, and how to Be Food Safe during Easter and Passover meals. It knows about “Girlpower!” (harnessing  girls 9 to 13). It knows how many mothers there are in Mississippi. If you are a female “of child-bearing age” in Mississippi, i.e., 15-44, odds are 68 to 32 you are a mother! It’s only 56 to 44 anywhere else! Ladies, if you don’t want to get pregnant, don’t go to Mississippi!

My government knows that every year four million American women have babies, and 425,000 of them are 15-19. Did you know that the most popular day to have a baby is Tuesday? Your government has found that out with your tax penny, and it’s generously sharing that information on its big Family Issues page. It’s more fun than I ought to have.

My destination was, of course, the Family Planning and Birth Control link, because I wanted to learn how abstinence could help all my Real Change friends stop popping babies out every other Tuesday. But I got distracted by the Fun Stuff for Kids link. You have all got to see this if you haven’t already. Just go straight to www.kids.gov/k_funstuff.htm. It is so awesome! Maybe everybody SHOULD have kids, so all this stuff could get full use!

There’s the Barney Cam, which has the “Miss Beazley’s Christmas” video. There’s Art Zone from the National Gallery of Art, which has cool interactive art you can do online, there’s a Garfield Comics Creator, there’s an Our Day with the Coast Guard Coloring Book you can print out, or just read for fun…

Discipline, discipline! I must stick to the task at hand. No more babies, no more babies. I remind myself of all the emails with the baby pictures, the long video of the cute incident in the park, being dragged aside to see the new screen saver with kid number one, or was it number two? Do they have numbers or names? I’ve forgotten. Must dam off the baby flood! Even though the Coast Guard might have an exciting career waiting for each and every one of them, provided he or she has coastal water-based talents.

Finally I clicked on Family Planning and Birth Control and COOL BEANS! Pretty pictures of all-different colored condoms! I clicked below the condoms on the Teen Sexual Health link because I know that if we can stop teens from having kids that’ll be 10.6 percent of the way to solving the problem. From there I clicked on the START HERE link, because where else would I?

That got me what I wanted. My government, speaking roundabout through the Nemour Foundation, which was founded by a rich man, Alfred duPont, in 1936, says 15 out of 100 couples that use condoms will have a pregnancy in a year. Which is known to be true, if you use the condoms incorrectly.

Whereas, 0 out of 100 couples that use abstinence will have a pregnancy in a year. Which is also known to be true, if you use the abstinence perfectly. If you use the abstinence incorrectly, no one can say what will happen.

My problem was solved. I knew I could count on my government to tell me how to lie most effectively.