Real Change News | ©Dr. Wes: News of the weird

July 1, 2009
Vol: 16 No: 30

Dr. Wes

©Dr. Wes: News of the weird

by: Dr. Wes Browning

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The day before this sees print, American troops are set to withdraw from Iraqi cities. I don’t have a clue how that will turn out, but that’s OK because there’s a lot of other fun news items to talk about. Let’s do a roundup!

I’m excited about the discovery of St. Paul’s bones and icon at the Vatican. On June 19, Pope Benedict announced they’d been found. They know it’s him because the resemblance is too close to be accidental. Then, less than two weeks later, some bones turned up, and Vatican scientists proved they were St. Paul’s actual bones, because they are exactly as old as he would be now, and you can’t fake that sort of thing. By the way, I’m going to be 60 next week, so if you find any precisely 60-year-old bones a week from this Thursday, they’ll be mine.

For people who prefer their fun news to not involve physically dead celebrities, we have Justice Clarence Thomas’ minority opinion on why school officials should be allowed to stripsearch 13-year-old girls for Ibuprofen. He actually said that if you don’t allow school officials to peek in 13-year-old girls’ panties for Ibuprofen, then that’s exactly where 13-year-old girls will hide all their Ibuprofen. He then said, “Is that where you want them to hide it? Really? Sick bastards.” But nobody listened, amid speculation that Justice Thomas was hiding his brains out of view of even a flashlight. If so, it wouldn’t be for the first time.

In my day, when we kids hurt it was because our parents beat us and we were SUPPOSED to hurt, and we knew it, and we didn’t try to cheat the system by taking Ibuprofen or Tylenol. It has come to my attention that the main reason 13-year-olds take Ibuprofen these days is to relieve hangovers, which is what it was invented to do. I say if it helps our children concentrate better in school after a night of tossing back shots, then let them have it. That’s how important I think education is.

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford met a girl named Maria. He was quoted as saying, “Maria, Maria, Maria.” The Jets don’t want him hanging out with them anymore. I mean, the Republicans. I find myself warming up to him.

The word on the street is that the new movie, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” causes motion sickness, especially among younger viewers. So kids seeing the movie are advised to stuff their underpants with Dramamine, just in case. You can steal it from the same place you steal your Ibuprofen, or use your allowance to buy it from your dealer at school.

The president of Honduras has been ousted by the Honduran military. The streets there are filling with protesters demanding the president’s return. So we can count on at least a week of people on TV telling us how politics in Honduras will forever be changed by these protests, even if the president isn’t allowed back. This is unlikely, as the Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation at Fort Benning, Georgia, the school formerly known as the School of the Americas, is still in business.

The oldest man in the world died last week at the age of 113. You can always count on some oldest person in the world to die every couple of weeks or so. What was fun about this time was that the guy who died, who was in great health (ambulatory!) for a 113-year-old, credited his longevity to clean living, whereas his replacement, the new oldest man in the world, thanked booze, cigarettes, and wild, wild, women, for enabling him to last long enough to spend his final days pushed around in a wheelchair and fed intravenously.

The Iraqis are celebrating the American troop withdrawal with a big party. No one expects it to go as expected.

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