April Fools' Day is dead. At least in news media.
When I was a kid, April Fools' Day was like Christmas. I'd lie in bed the night before, barely able to get to sleep for all the excitement, not daring to run down to snatch the newspaper up, knowing that Dad had to be the one to open the neatly folded and tucked paper, every day, even on that day, or dire unspeakable consequences would ensue.
Dad would get up, go to the door, and collect the magic newspaper. I would be right there. I would see its aura. But still I had to wait. The resident patriarch had to finish the sacred A-section before I could touch it. I would avert my eyes while he read. I didn't want to know which articles he was chuckling at. I wanted the surprise.
I'd finally get the A-section, and for 20 or 30 minutes I'd be thrilled by all the brilliant and clever April Fools' articles I could find. Then, just like Christmas, there would be a crushing let-down, the question "is that all there is?" would consume my passion for life, and I would resume my normal joyless, meaningless, existence, for yet another drab year, to be sustained only by the rare satirical letter to the editor that rose above the crudest and most transparent imitations of Swift's Irish baby eating gag.
What killed April Fools' Day? The same thing that killed Christmas. No, Christmas wasn't killed by anti-Christians and "the War on Christmas." Christmas was killed by us having all too much of it for all too long every year. Likewise April Fools' has grown too fat, and been crushed by its own gruesome weight.
I first began to notice signs that April Fools' had died just a little more than a week ago. On March 21st, a full 11 days before this year's April 1, the Huffington Post ran a piece purporting that Republicans were pushing legislation to make Pi equal 3. This might have been a good idea for an April Fools' article if, a) It was April 1st, and b) if it hadn't already been done to death in the 90s.
The very next day, the Christian Science Monitor ran something titled, "U.S. citizenship test: Why Americans can't name the original 17 colonies." It ran a picture of our first president, George Jefferson. By the way, it took me some effort to answer the question alluded to in the title myself. The trick is, it doesn't say "13 original states," but people overlook that, so they leave out New France, La Florida, Alta California and Columbia. Duh.
As I thought about those stories I had an awakening. It's always April 1 now. Have you ever met anyone so stupid, that if you tell him yesterday's date, he can't figure out today's? Well, none of us has to be that stupid anymore! Just learn to say, "All right then, it's April 1st!" no matter what yesterday was (it was April 1st).
The Onion killed it. The Daily Show killed it. Tea Baggers killed it.
That's right, I said Tea Baggers. The Tea Party is just like the Onion, only, where the Onion pretends to be news, the Tea Party pretends to be a political movement.
A u.s. political movement that claims the president of the United States is a Muslim Kenyan who wants to kill old people, just because he's the first U.S. president none of whose names are Scotch-Irish, Anglo-Saxon or Norman? Ha, ha. Don't you get it? Do you really think any Americans are that stupid? If you do, tell me what you also think about the annual Swiss spaghetti harvest. I'm dying to hear it.
Excess! Excess killed April Fools' Day! Did you know Snooki is running for president in 2012? Yes! It's in all the papers and has been for months! After 2 minutes of thought she chose John McCain as running mate. He's accepted! Why not?