It’s time for a News You Can’t Use Roundup!
We do these every time we get stuck with no single big news event to talk about, just a lot of little piddly events.
Little piddly news story No. 1 concerns the Lynnwood man who took a DNA test and found out that, though he’s 90 percent White, he’s 6 percent Native American and 4 percent Sub-Saharan African. So he applied for state and federal certification as a minority business owner. When they said, “no, we think you’re actually, you know, White,” he sued.
I’m so White I’m pink. Still, I’m not White enough to think of suing people for telling me I’m too White to qualify for benefits due for having faced discrimination because of previously unknown minority status. That’s record-level White. This guy’s 90 percent is working overtime on behalf of his just-discovered 10 percent. He qualifies for conquistador status.
In connection with this story, I read that someone in Canada submitted a DNA sample for analysis by one of these companies that tell you your ancestry, and when told they were 10 percent Indigenous, they admitted the sample was taken from their dog. It’s amazing that the company was able to figure out that the dog had First Nations ancestors. The technology is that good.
The Lynnwood man’s 10 percent minority should win his lawsuit and be granted status as a minority business owner 36.5 days of every year. From Jan. 1 until after 9 p.m. Jan. 22 he can be a Native American contractor, and from then until noon Feb. 7 he can be an African-American contractor. It would only be fair.
There’s a Catch 22 at work here. If you’re White enough to think of suing for minority recognition on the basis of a DNA test that says you’re 6 percent Native American, you’re White enough that your ancestors probably stole your own ancestors’ lands 16 times over.
If you’re White enough to think of suing for minority recognition on the basis of a DNA test that says you’re 6 percent Native American, you’re White enough that your ancestors probably stole your own ancestors’ lands 16 times over.
A while back I decided to commit to being a direct descendant of Gaut, the Progenitor of the Ostrogoths. I now wonder how I could leverage that to financial advantage. Here’s an idea: Ever since the Sack of Rome by the Visigoths under King Alaric in the year 410, only Visigoths get any respect.
We Ostrogoths sacked Rome later. But no one cares. These last 1,608 years, you have to be a Visigoth to get any consideration. I want compensation. I’ve put a lot of time and effort into making up an Ostrogothic ancestry. I want my 1 percent.
Speaking of financial leverage: Betsy DeVos. Oh, Betsy.
Her idea was to save the federal government some money by saying that, yes, if you racked up a lot of student debt attending a fraudulent college, that’s wrong, but you still have to pay the debt off if you aren’t dirt poor.
“Please don’t rob me!”
“I’m sorry, but according to your suit, tie and shoes, we have determined that you have enough income to be robbed. Hand over your wallet. Aha! Imported Italian leather. I knew it!”
I mean, really, they’ve got the money, right? It’s like when the settlers showed up in Seattle and wanted to take the land away from the Native people. They wouldn’t have done it if the Native people didn’t have any land. That would have been cruel. But since the Native people were enjoying the benefits of mudflats, they could afford to give it up and move out.
It’s all about the leverage. It’s like the man said: Give me a big enough stick and a fulcrum and I can move the Earth.
Well, a U.S. District Court judge said no to Betsy DeVos and to her stick and fulcrum. But good for her for applying such creativity to her job. She’s a real go-getter. She sees something she can get and she goes for it.
In the same vein, exactly, the Mariners are planning to sell the naming rights, again, to Safeco Field. Safeco Field belongs to the public. The public just lets the Mariners use it to make a profit selling tickets to ball games. But the Mariners are using the stadium, so now that Safeco’s 20-year right to the name is up, the Mariners want to sell the naming rights to some other company. Even though it’s not theirs to sell!
Hey, the naming rights are there. So they can steal them to sell them. You can only steal what’s there to be stolen, right?
It’s how things work these days.
Dr. Wes Browning is a one time math professor who has experienced homelessness several times. He supplied the art for the first cover of Real Change in November of 1994 and has been involved with the organization ever since. This is his weekly column, Adventures in Irony, a dry verbal romp of the absurd.
Check out the full Sept. 19 - Sept. 25 issue.
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