All of a sudden after more than five years of seeing tweet after tweet from at realdonaldtrump all night long while he devours cheeseburgers and fries in bed, now Twitter bans him. Now as he’s on his way out. And then Facebook bans him. Gee thanks, guys, for saving the country from all that.
Politico reported this morning (it’s last Friday to you) that Joe Biden’s inauguration was being postponed. I was stunned. Then I read the article and found out that the rehearsal was being postponed. The rehearsal — not the inauguration itself. Politico yanked my chain.
I actually didn’t know that inaugurations had rehearsals. Do they do reading rehearsals sitting in folding chairs before doing a dress rehearsal? Is the Chief Justice played by a stand-in?
We are at another one of those junctures where I’m writing ahead of breaking news that I can’t predict but I know could be serious. In this case, various right-wingers just like the ones who broke their way into the Capitol building on January 6th are threatening to conduct armed protests at all 50 state capitol buildings in the country between tomorrow (the 16th) and Inauguration Day, perhaps revisiting D.C.’s Capitol building during that time.
In one state, Michigan, a law has been passed forbidding any more armed protests in their capitol building. What happens when armed protesters meet armed police backed with a law that says you can’t bring those in here?
From where I sit in front of my laptop, typing away on the morning of the 15th, it’s all behind a veil, and for all I know, the threats could fizzle. It’s possible the assorted neo-Nazis, white-supremacists and forever Trumpers don’t have the organization or the numbers to do anything serious. Or it could end up being a bloody mess, in which case the inauguration could be postponed after all, and then be held in a secret place and videotaped, and we’ll have to just watch it on the nightly news.
By that time, Biden will already have been president, because inaugurations are just a formality. Attempts to disrupt the inauguration as a way to keep him from becoming president are futile; he’ll be president at noon on the 20th regardless.
Wouldn’t you think that people claiming to be American patriots defending the U.S. Constitution would read it? It’s really short. Even I can read it, and I can’t get through anything as long as Joseph Conrad’s “Heart of Darkness” without giving up from lack of patience. I’ll skip to the end: Mr. Kurtz is dead. I knew it. Good thing I didn’t read it just to find out what I already guessed. (OK, yeah, I got a “D-” for my book review in that class. Same as what I got for my review of “Silas Marner,” which was based on one page randomly picked from the middle of the book.)
In other comedy news, we’re all waiting for Trump’s final pardons. There is still speculation that Trump will try to pardon himself. I hope he does. If he does, it would be very funny and keep the late-night talk show hosts laughing for days. The jokes will mainly revolve around ideas about what else he does with himself. Then the Supreme Court will nullify it.
The QAnon Shaman — bare-chested, tattooed, face-painted guy wearing horns and shouting on the way into the Capitol — is getting organic food in jail and has asked Trump through his lawyer for a pardon so he can run free and terrorize more elected officials. I also hope Trump goes along with this. Then, after Trump’s self-pardon is nullified, his pardon of the QAnon Shaman could be overturned on the grounds that you can’t pardon a co-conspirator in a federal crime.
QAnon S’s lawyer says Trump should pardon his client because QAnon S believed he was led to act by Trump. Exactly the best reason to ask for a pardon from a president. “I only did your bidding, Lord.”
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez reports someone in the insurrection stole all her shoes from her office. Somebody has a serious shoe fetish problem and should seek help. There’s no shame in admitting you’ve hit rock bottom.
The second U.S. Civil War could be imminent. Will it be fought over possession of a politician’s shoes? It seems to me the quality of evil fascists has declined lately. First Sideshow Bob Trump, and now this.
Dr. Wes Browning is a one time math professor who has experienced homelessness several times. He supplied the art for the first cover of Real Change in November of 1994 and has been involved with the organization ever since. This is his weekly column, Adventures in Irony, a dry verbal romp of the absurd. He can be reached at email@example.com.
Read more in the Jan. 20-26, 2021 issue.