I think it was 1973 when I first saw the silent film “Battleship Potemkin” (right after having seen Woody Allen’s “Bananas”), and had to hit the college library to find out where in the world Odesa is. In the last two days, I’ve seen Odesa on roughly a hundred maps. I’ve also learned to spell Kiev as Kyiv and Chernobyl as Chornobyl, because, I suppose, the world thinks I need to exercise my neurons more.
The general consensus, now that Russia really is invading Ukraine, is there’s no World War III until there’s a spillover into NATO countries. Until then it’s just a replay of the Soviet 1956 crushing of the Hungarian Revolution (This just in: The Ukrainian government is urging Kyiv citizens to stockpile Molotov cocktails as Russian troops near the city). Everybody chill: No Western Europeans are dying yet. It won’t be WWIII until someone is attacked who has never tried borscht. Otherwise, it is only a borscht-eater on borscht-eater skirmish.
To offer an insight into the way these columns get written, for that last paragraph I was compelled to research the difference between Russian and Ukrainian borscht. My research is, as yet, incomplete and, frankly, disappointing. I expected as much difference as that between New England and Manhattan clam chowder. My sources won’t commit to anything. So far, all I know is generally Russians and Ukrainians agree that their respective borscht are different, but nobody can say, once and for all, covering all cases, how.
Donald Trump loves Putin now more than ever. His infatuation with Putin has turned into an epic, full-on hard crush.
“My boyfriend is such a genius! He looks so good without a shirt! Wow, did you see how stupid my genius boyfriend made your fake president look? Before invading Donetsk he declared it part of Russia! That’s sooo smart! I’m going to have his babies.”
Trump says Putin is smart because he’s managing to invade Ukraine for $2 worth of sanctions.
Here’s another genius move by Putin. He’s told the West that he only is invading Ukraine in order to demilitarize the country. He’ll get rid of their armed forces and weapons and politely retreat to the Kremlin. He is, therefore, spreading peace. I’m afraid in Russian “spreading peace” means restoring the steppes to their pre-inhabited condition.
And no one is pointing out the absurdity of these sorts of statements. You can’t permanently demilitarize any foreign country without conquering it and running it. You don’t just get rid of the military and then retire. You have to take over completely and rule completely. You have to make their emperor sign a surrender on one of your battleships and accept the idea that their country never needs any army besides yours. Then you have to buy their toys, transistor radios and electronics for at least 75 years.
Headline over at Reuters: “France says Putin needs to understand NATO has nuclear weapons.” France is wicked smart, aren’t they? When Putin reads that, he’s going to slap his head for sure. “How did I not know that?” he will cry out. “Donald always says I am so smart, how could I not know NATO has nuclear weapons just like we do? I will have to send France a thank you note for calling my attention to this oversight of mine.”
Gee, isn’t it great that Ukraine doesn’t have nukes? That would sure be a bummer at this juncture, wouldn’t it? I’m right, aren’t I? They don’t have any. Someone tell me I’m right. Do they have serious friends who would give them a nuke? Please tell me this isn’t going to turn into a cursed Shakespearean fight scene with swords being loaned out right and left. I saw the 1968 Zeffirelli film version, and that was just too chaotic. I had to cover my eyes.
As long as Russian cities aren’t annihilated and trigger massive global nuclear retaliation resulting in the vaporization of Bremerton and Sodo, it’s really not my place to complain, right? It’s not my country being invaded.
Remember how Trump was impeached that one time for preventing Ukraine from getting military aid? Did you ever wonder why Trump would obstruct military aid to Ukraine? Haha. What would Ukraine need with military aid?
I’m sure Trump knew at the time what they’d need it for.
Read more of the Mar. 2-8, 2022 issue.