I came down with some variant of COVID-19 late last month and am just now getting over it, so naturally I am prepared to personalize any and all news relating to Covid.
I wasn’t able to find out what variant of Covid I had, so I speculated on the possible name of my particular variant. My idea was that variants shouldn’t be named with Greek letters or with combinations of Latin letters and numerals. That last option strikes me as cheesy. It’s the license plate option. What next? Should the CDC charge patients to give their variants a custom vanity name?
My thought was we should name variants after flavors. Like strawberry, raspberry, banana, jalapeño, umami, avocado, salsa, torquemada, rococo, roquefort, cricket, wet dog, pork jowl, maple syrup, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!, burnt toast, etc.
Then I read that some guy on Twitter, who is now being referred to as just some “rando” (I read this in the Washington Post), said a new variant ought to be called Centaurus after the name of some stupid galaxy. And it’s catching on.
Really. I mean, if we’re going to do that, why not just alternate men’s and women’s first names like we do with hurricanes? Or give them Star Wars names? Covid variant Anakin. Covid variant Jar Jar, Padme, Boba and so on.
But no. Because of some Twitter rando, we get stuck with a galaxy name.
In other Covid-related news, office workers are now reported to be choosing en masse to work remotely on Fridays. The most popular day to work in the office is now Tuesday, followed by Wednesday and Thursday. Monday and Friday are least popular, but Friday is most despised. I’m finding myself wondering if anyone is actually working at home or just spending their time setting up the backyard grill. The news story doesn’t say how much actual work is getting done.
Six days ago as I write this, I turned 73 for the first time. Anitra “Not the Old Fart” Freeman will follow me in two days more. So far, I’m feeling pretty good about the new number. It’s a prime, so it fits snugly. By the time you read this, we will both be so old. People try to help by telling me I’m only as old as I feel. I feel 73, thank you. Especially in my joints. Fortunately, I get all the Senior Citizen discounts. Yeah, twentysomethings, who’s laughing now? In terms of maturity I feel 14, but that doesn’t help with the joints.
Speaking of news I can relate to, the Secret Service is now being said to have erased messages concerning the events of Jan. 5 and Jan. 6 connected with the Capitol last year. Yeah, and my dog ate my homework. So now the question has to be: Who ordered the messages to be erased?
At least the 18-and-a-half-minute gap in the Nixon tape could plausibly have been an accident. This time, surely, the erasure has to have been deliberate. Technology has changed, messages aren’t on tapes anymore. There are automatic backups. If the backups are erased, it would clearly show intention. I dare the Secret Service to call an “oopsie.”
Our mayor, Bruce Harrell, wants us to pay new police hires anywhere from $7,500 to $30,000. He wants the new hires to feel appreciated. If he gave me $30K, I’d feel so appreciated I’d do unspeakable acts, what with the current economy and all. I’ve always said I could do anything, be anything for the right price. How much did you say? Yes, sir, I will do your bidding, exactly as you wish. I will do it twice for twice as much. Give me $80K, you’ll get three times at a discount. Just don’t break the skin, don’t disfigure me, always wear a mask and use disinfectant. This is satire.
No, really. I love the idea that we will be paying people just for applying to work for the Seattle Police Department. Police shouldn’t be public servants. That’s so old school. Robert Peel is long dead. What we want these days are paramilitary mercenaries, a.k.a state suck-ups and toadies. Let’s be sure to start them out right when we first hire them. Let them know what the culture is going to be at their brand new jobs.
Read more of the July 20-26, 2022 issue.