One of the best things I ever thought of doing was writing up a daydream guide.
By the time I was 14 years old, my daydreams had gotten out of hand. So, inspired by the TV Guide — which nobody remembers now, but was a magazine you could hold in your hand to read what TV shows were going to be on and when — I listed all my daydreams and where I was in the story arcs. That way, I could continue each from the most recent episode without repeats. The first version listed about 100 daydreams by genre and eventually reached 150.
There were half a dozen entries for time travel alone. World conquest was also big. In spite of the popularity of spy movies at the time, there was only one espionage-related daydream in the catalog. I guess I wasn’t that into imagining myself as a James Bond character, even though I was 14. Space adventures were really big, though. Alien invasions and end-of-the-world stuff were popular. So was desert island nonsense.
A scary number of daydreams at that age involved me being a werewolf and wolfing it around my school. I am sure, therefore, that if the daydream guide was discovered and read by school authorities, it would have set off alarms.
Speaking of people taking things all the wrong way, it is beginning to look like Trump packed up nuclear documents to take with him to Mar-a-Lago. Naturally, one wonders what possible need Trump would have with classified nuclear documents as a private citizen living in Florida.
Far be it from me to judge. I’ve never been an ex-president. I can’t imagine the sense of loss Trump must have gone through. The grief must have been unbearable. What could he do to ease the pain? How about boxes of nuclear documents as mementos or something?
I read about this in the Washington Post, a trusted news source owned by Jeff Bezos. I don’t even know what “nuclear documents” are. What was he going to do with them? He didn’t leave the White House with actual nukes, I’m sure, so it’s not like they could be instructions for any appliances in his possession. They probably weren’t a blueprint for anything, either, like a bird house or a feeder for the backyard.
So what was he thinking he was going to do with them? Sell them? Who would buy used nuclear documents from Donald Trump, a man who probably doesn’t know an H-bomb from a tube of hemorrhoid cream?
One thought occurs to me: that the documents he took with him were long-ignored homework. The idea is, he was president for four years and had all these pain-in-the-ass snooty advisors telling him he had to read all these very, very important documents, and he never got around to any of them. Now the soonest he can get back to being president again is Jan. 20, 2025. Maybe he’s thinking that now he finally has the time to read his old homework before starting the job again. It will give him a leg up on it, provided he can tear himself away from the taco bowls and actually read them by then.
“Thinking” might be the operative word here. I’m trying to imagine Trump’s thoughts as he was packing up to leave the White House. “Let’s see. What should I take with me? A box of silverware couldn’t hurt. I definitely should bring my love letters to Putin and Kim Jong-un. Keys to all the rooms. Something Melania might like… I don’t know, a handkerchief or a pillow or something. Oh, and these five boxes of classified nuclear documents.”
If only I had daydreamed more about being a spy. Spies are always stealing nuclear secrets or catching nuclear-secret thieves. If I had put as much thought into that as I did time travel and auto-lycanthropomorphing, I might be prepared now to deal with the reality of absconded nuclear secrets. I’d be completely familiar with all the ins and outs of the business. What are nuclear secrets, and what are they really good for, after all?
Read more of the Aug. 17-23, 2022 issue.