I’ve been reflecting back on a couple of great science studies I’ve done.
My first science study involved hat wearing. Back when I was a kid, everyone knew that men became bald as a result of wearing hats. Since all men wore hats in those days — and you can’t actually tell if a guy is bald if he never takes his hat off — the theory was considered sound.
A friend bought a hat at Piggly Wiggly, a supermarket chain, and gave it to me. I immediately thought, “Hey, I can do science. I’ll wear this hat all the time and see if I become bald.”
I wore it, a Stetson, for about 10 years. Then I switched to a Chico Marx hat; after that, I moved on to a series of berets. I’ve now been wearing hats most of 37 years, or more than half my life. I’m not bald on top! Science marches on!
My second science study was the decision to gain weight. I grew up to be 6 feet tall but only weighed between 145 and 155 pounds, always. People said I was too thin; it “wasn’t healthy.” Then I got a job where I had access to mega quantities of milk and ranch dressing. I thought, “Hey, let’s do science here!”
I started drinking mass quantities of milk and ranch dressing. I gained 30 pounds in three months, and I learned my first new science fact as a result: Metabolisms are real.
Before I had added the 30 pounds, my weight was below 155. It was really hard to get up to 165. But, as soon as I added 30 pounds, I discovered myself beyond a new threshold, with a brand new metabolism that resisted efforts to stop gaining weight. Suddenly I’d gain weight just from looking at food, and, within another seven years, I was up to 225 pounds — an additional 40 pounds on top of the 30.
I looked like the Pillsbury Doughboy. People couldn’t resist walking up to me and poking my belly, just to hear me squeak. So rude.
I then had to continue my study in the other direction and figure out how to lose 70 to 80 pounds to get back where I started.
My one observation in all this was that I succeeded in both experiments. Eventually my metabolism reset itself somehow. My weight is back to hovering between 145 and 155.
I don’t really have a moral to this story except that maybe if we all eat less red meat and get more exercise — by walking everywhere, perhaps — we can end this global warming business. I’m sure there’s a connection.
Two peculiar stories out of Texas. First, Texas passed a law requiring schools to post donated signs stating “In God We Trust.” So a guy thought, OK, I’ll donate a sign that reads “In God We Trust” in Arabic.
Second, in the Dallas–Fort Worth area, they have a law that if three people complain about a book in a school library, there has to be a review of the book. If the book meets the criteria to be banned, it has to go. The law was, of course, written by conservatives to make it easy to get rid of books like “My Two Mommies.”
Well, three people stepped up to object to the Bible, which turns out to have some really, really offensive passages. It talks about rape a lot. So, the Bible may be banned from schools in parts of Texas. It seems like a shame, but, if the law is right, what can they do? Right is right.
You can’t just change the rules for some people when they don’t like the results.
There’s a similar move in Florida to ban the Bible. One man has petitioned 63 school districts there to get the Bible removed from school libraries because of, among other things, its “eye-popping passages of babies being smashed against the rocks” in Psalm 137 and its “strong pro-slavery position,” citing Ephesians 6:5-7.
I checked out the Psalm 137 bit, and it’s worse than it sounds. The psalm actually calls for a blessing upon the baby smasher, because it’s not just any children: It’s the children of Babylon. So who needs their kind?
Sick.
I sure hope the Bible was being ironic there.
Dr. Wes is the Real Change Circulation Specialist, but, in addition to his skills with a spreadsheet, he writes this weekly column about whatever recent going-ons caught his attention. Dr. Wes has contributed to the paper since 1994. Curious about his process or have a response to one of his columns? Connect with him at [email protected].
Read more of the Aug. 31-Sept. 6, 2022 issue.