I’m fixin’ a hole in New Zealand, where I’ll live with the rest of the introverts

Jobs, Journalism, Justice

Dr. Wes Browning is a one time math professor who has experienced homelessness several times. He supplied the art for the first cover of Real Change in November of 1994 and has been involved with the organization ever since. This is his weekly column, Adventures in Irony, a dry verbal romp of the absurd. He can be reached at drwes@realchangenews.org.

Articles by Dr. Wes Browning

Systemic racism is everywhere, even — and oddly— in math

By Dr. Wes Browning | July 1, 2020

The U.S. Census Bureau is projecting that for the first time ever, U.S. kids under 16 are mostly either non-white or Hispanic, according to the Associated Press.

Over the whole population, non-Hispanic whites now account for 60 percent of the population, but the percentage is expected to drop to less than half by 2045, at least.

Immigration is accelerating the change, so white supremacists want to clamp down on immigration. But that’s not enough because the decline in the numbers of non-Hispanic whites is also due to their low birth rate compared to death rate. ...

Dungarees are funny even when nothing else is

By Dr. Wes Browning | June 24, 2020

There’s been a lot of good news lately, but I’m having trouble finding any humor in it.

The end of the Aunt Jemima pancake syrup brand is good news, but it’s hardly funny in itself. What might be funny would be if Aunt Jemima was replaced by a smiling Ward Cleaver. The humor is what we’ll have when we see what the new brand is. Maybe a glob of syrup with eyes and a mouth and a spoon feeding on itself? That might make me laugh if it were done tastefully. ...

Reclaiming even the name. I knew a Chaz — he was a snob.

By Dr. Wes Browning | June 17, 2020

I’m so old the first thing I thought when I heard about the area formerly known as the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone was, Seattle finally has its own Haight-Ashbury.

What a wild development. Mayor Jenny Durkan tells the police to vacate the East Precinct, and off they go, just like that. Maybe they thought the protesters would riot without them and the community would beg for their heroic return. Instead, the protesters plant vegetable gardens, go on a painting spree, and peace out.

I’m planning to go up there over the weekend just to enjoy the contact high. ...

At this stage in my life, I’ll say it from here: BLACK LIVES MATTER

By Dr. Wes Browning | June 10, 2020

It was about this time four years ago when I told my supervisor at Real Change that Trump would likely win the 2016 election, and he was so sure that was impossible he bet me a dinner at my favorite restaurant that it wouldn’t happen. I didn’t have to put up any counter offer, not that it would have mattered. That was a good dinner.

It’s hard to see how Trump could win this time around. The president’s threat to send the military to states to put down protests brought condemnation from Pat Robertson! “You just don’t do that, Mr. President.” ...

My longest digression ever. Batter up!

By Dr. Wes Browning | June 3, 2020

The funniest thing I’ve read all week was President Trump’s threat to stop using his Twitter account.

Of Twitter, NPR quoted him saying, “I think I’d be hurting it very badly if we didn’t use it anymore. We have other sites we can use, I guess, or we’d have to develop other sites.”

It brought back warm memories of sandlot baseball games. I guess I should explain sandlot baseball games to those who were born too late. ...

Everybody gets hydroxychloroquine! And you can stay home only if your home looks like mine

By Dr. Wes Browning | May 27, 2020

According to the interweb, NASA has found a parallel universe where time flows backward. Big deal. Time has been flowing backward for me since March.

Time has been in reverse in Washington, D.C., since Jan. 20, 2017, and now it is starting to look like the 12th century. The Department of Justice wants legislators to suspend habeas corpus from now until at least a year after the COVID-19 emergency is over without telling any of us what would constitute it being over. When no one has died from it anywhere in the world for one year? Or one month before that? ...

‘Your honor, of what am I being charged?’ ‘You’re charged with having been charged’

By Dr. Wes Browning | May 20, 2020

Trump now accuses Obama of a crime, but won’t say what crime. (“You know what he did.”) If he can do it to a former president, he can do it to anyone. This is very dangerous behavior.

Also dangerous is Mitch McConnell saying Obama “should have kept his mouth shut” rather than criticize the administration’s COVID-19 response. ...

Hey, Trump, I need underpants mailed to me from Cincinnati

By Dr. Wes Browning | May 13, 2020

After decades of telling us that shelter couldn’t be found, it got done as soon as it seemed homeless people could pass this virus to the non-homeless.

I don’t know what’s crazier: we’re all going down the tubes because of a virus, we’re all going down the tubes because of a president, or NASA is going to let Tom Cruise shoot a movie at the International Space Station.

So far, who’s even trying to guess what the movie will be about? Mission Impossible 9? ...

Surprises around every corner to ingest with toast, sardines and cheese

By Dr. Wes Browning | May 6, 2020

Sign of the time: Facebook, in the interest of bringing people together online in spite of physical isolation, has made available a “care” reaction. In German, it’s called umarmung, which means “hug.” I’m now virtually hugging friends who complain about having to stay home.

The Seattle Times has an article featuring recipes for canned sardines, because canned tuna is getting hard to find. The big takeaway: Get the expensive European imports packed in oil and grill them until the skin is crispy. Mmm, I want to try that on toast with melted provolone. ...